Don’t know about you, but I’m not. Recently I’ve been once again facing some really big fears. Going head to head again with all my old insecurities that I thought I’d licked. Here it is…all my “stuff”…again. There have been many days lately that I just wanted to put my head in my pillow, cry and give up. I mean, how many times do I have to face this same crap? Didn’t I do this work already? When am I going to get there? As soon as I asked this question, I knew the answer…never. This is a truth that I try most days to pretend is a lie. We never arrive. We’re never done working on ourselves. The work gets easier, the time between episodes is longer, the drama is less, but it still happens. It’s been a few years since this much of my junk surfaced, but here it is – as ugly as ever. Having done so much work facing my “I’m not good enough” stuff, to be honest, I was a little shocked at just how much it reared its head this time. It was big. Big enough that my instinct was to shut down, hide, to run, to just say, “Well if I stay here, if I stay small then I don’t have to face this.” As I heard myself say this in my mind I was reminded of yet another truth: I have to face it anyway. I may not have to face it on camera (where my current insecurities are being triggered) but I have to face it every time I give in to a glass of wine or sugary treat when I said I wouldn’t. I have to face it every time I look in the mirror and feel bad/sad/depressed/fat/blahblahblah. I have to face it on a small scale, or on a big scale…no two ways about that. Once I was done stomping my feet about this and out of the inappropriate shock that I wasn’t yet done working on my biggest issues, it felt OK. I know that the work worth doing isn’t something that will be easy, get ‘er done and then that’s that – it’s the work that keeps on giving. And it is a gift, I see that this time around. If I have to deal with this stuff, so do other women – and the more I share, the more we share, about how hard this stuff is the easier it will be for all of us. So whether I’m not good enough speaking to a large group of people or just not good enough when I look in the mirror, I gotta keep trying to crack that nut. It’s tough one, it’s been there as long as I can remember. I know it’s BS, but it has a hold on me still at times…and I gotta keep trying to learn from it, grow from it, transform it. And so do you, whatever your gremlin is, because we don’t ever really get there. We don’t ever leave behind completely the “stuff” that shapes us, its part of us – and I’m realizing that’s not such a bad thing. It does get easier to manage, it almost becomes funny after awhile, but it sticks around. It reminds us that if we don’t keep our wits about us, we could slip back into old patterns, back into old ways of being that are not part of our BETTER. When you’ve done so much work to have a better mindset or a better body, it’s a product how you’ve transformed your stuff. We don’t just wake up one day thinner, more beautiful, more confident and our not good enough stuff has vanished. I think what happens is we slowly quiet the “I’m not good enough” voice and bolster the “I’m actually sorta awesome” voice. This one is actually louder and more powerful because of the not good enough voice. Make sense? It didn’t to me for a long time. I always thought when I’m there, when I finally get there, I’ll be thinner, happier and this not good enough stuff will be gone for good because I’ll be, you know, good enough…finally! Well, wherever I now am, that stuff is still there but it’s quieter and keeps to itself over there in the corners of my mind AND the good stuff is BETTER because it’s not phony or trying to be something it’s not – it’s earned. The increased confidence, more stamina in myself, better body image, better body – all of it – has a glow (yes, a glow) of the less than pretty stuff that help it come into being. I’ve always looked at my downfalls, my flaws, as something I needed to “get over” so I could be happier, prettier, thinner, more confident, better. Now, even though this “not good enough” default isn’t my best quality I’ve decided to be grateful for it. It’s been my biggest teacher. It keeps me from getting complacent, it keeps me striving to be better. It’s not meant to be whipped into shape. Each time that I deal with it better I see how far I’ve come – not how far I have left to go. I’ve decided to stop asking, “Am I there yet?” and instead say, “Hello old friend. I know you’re here to show me how to be BETTER today. Thank you.” And I’m no longer afraid to also say, “OK, you’ve stayed quite long enough now. Time for you to go. See ya later!” Inside and outside, we simply have to keep trying to be BETTER.
Me working on my WANT. Being BETTER – sprints in the rain 🙂