Just 3 days in to this new blog project and I’m already wondering….should I be doing this? Are these really inspiring anyone? Before I got too down in it though, I realized this is my MO – I always end up doubting myself. I doubt that I’ll ever have the body I want. I doubt that I’ll ever feel rid of my body image hang ups. I doubt I’ll ever be able to get along with my mother. I doubt that I’ll ever be the woman I’m trying to become. I doubt I will know what to write next….. My dopamine deficient brain (dopamine is a brain chemical required for motivation, drive and many other things) can be a little fatalistic. I sat down this morning to write and I was stuck. Rather than go for a walk or make some tea, I started to feel tired and overwhelmed. Then I started to do my “thing”. I started thinking “I’m not helping anyone. This project is stupid. Who cares about what inspires me? I’m not inspired. I’m not inspiring.” Now I know this is all BS. I can look through the comments, emails, etc and see that many people have benefited from this project so far. My defeatist attitude is coming from me – I’m generating it. I’m doing all this to myself. No one’s standing next to me telling me I suck. It’s only real in my head, which means I can change it. But I didn’t change it right away. I am sitting here at 6:30PM writing this blog as it’s taken me all day to figure out what to say – but I didn’t give up. Every time I wanted to say, “I’m not going to keep writing this” or “I can’t think of anything worthwhile to say”, I kept hearing my little niece singing “Don’t div up, keep trying”. It’s a song by Yo Gabba Gabba, aka Dabba Dabba to her (her Gs still some out as Ds – its adorable). She’s completely abolished the word “can’t” from her vocabulary. My brother and sister in law have taught her, when she starts to say “I can’t” to sing this song and keep trying or ask for help. I am taking a lesson from a two year old, and that’s to not give up…to just keep trying. Nothing remarkable happened today. No tragedy befell me to show what a terrible writer I am. No one called me to say I’m totally full of it. It was a regular Friday – I was simply in a funk and didn’t know how to shake it. I tried caffeine, I finally tried a walk and I tried pretending it wasn’t happening. Not only was I feeling doubtful, but when I can’t snap out of a bad feeling I feel guilty. I start to think, “Why can’t I just figure it out?” It being writer’s block, what to do with a tough patient at work, or how in the world after all my hours in the gym I’m still not quite there. The guilt just weighs me down more – and the worst of it is that I’m self-aware enough to know this is all internal, no one’s doing this to me. Why do we kick our own butt all the time? One of my favorite people in the world is my friend Josh – we’ve literally known each other since birth (our mom’s were in the hospital at the same time, having us just 2 days apart). Josh’s Grandpa said these wise words: “No need to kick your own ass. There’s plent of people just waiting to do it for you.” It’s true. With all the external demands from ourselves each day: the job, the relationships, the workouts, the diet, the traffic, the running around – why do we add to it with so much internal pressure? Sure it helps us be successful in our careers and in life to an extent, but some of us (case in point, Dr Brooke) let the pressue to be better, to be perfect, to do more can get out of hand. It can be crippling at times. Like today, I was stuck in this funk all day not knowing how to make my way out. But here we are, end of day and I’m writing. And most importantly, I’ve stopped making myself wrong for finding my inspiration earlier. I stopped kicking my own butt. I am going to keep trying to eat well, not over exercise, get more sleep and be kind to myself – especially on days like today when I feel like I’m failing. This project is about feeling good – and I deserve to feel good even when I am not perfect. (We all do.) I’m inspired not to give up. I’m inspired to keep trying.
Me and my friend Josh....nearly 36 years ago (can you not tell by the gold furnishings????)