Today has probably been the toughest time I’ve had deciding what to write about. When I look back at the past 19 days the posts have been really trending positive. Today I didn’t feel so positive. Last night I had to do some dreaded photos of me at the gym (needed at least one shot of me training for a project). I’m sorry to say it, but I walked out of the gym aggravated and upset. Is this still where I’m at? After all this hard work don’t I deserve to be looking leaner and better? “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.” – Clint Eastwood, from the movie Unforgiven. Deserve or not, for what I’ve been able to put in, here’s the outcome. And I’m not satisfied with it. We left the gym and Joe and I talked for about 45 minutes about how I was feeling – I laid it all out there as pathetic as it sounded. “The worst part of this is that I feel like a hypocrite. I’ve been spewing all this healthy perspective and I’m coming up pretty damn short of a positive, healthy attitude right now.” But then a funny thing happened. As I thought back over all the blogs I’ve written and all the work I’d been doing on having a healthier body image I started to feel better. And then I felt even a little better. And then a little more. I’m not gonna lie, I was upset – approaching tears when we first left the gym. But this freakout could have lasted days – and the actually freaking out part lasted only about 5 minutes, the sadness lasted about an hour and then I felt better. What made me feel better was knowing that I’ve felt this way before, and knowing that I’ve also felt better than this. I can remember feeling much worse than I did last night but over the past 19 days alone I’ve been feeling infinitely better than that. So what I realized is that although I feel bad right now, I will feel better again. This too shall pass…. In the past, a Friday night freakout like this would’ve meant a weekend of double workouts, a super clean diet and saying no to any social invitations. It’s almost like getting grounded for being fat. I was able to see how beneficial the last weeks have been for me to discuss openly with myself, and all of you, how much the way I feel about my body affects my entire life. And it was reassuring to have finally realized that just as easy as I feel crappy today, I can feel really great again soon. That’s life, it’s not static. And as much as we’d probably all like to just feel good all of the time, opting out of the crappy times, that would be like watching a really, really boring movie. Think of your favorite movie ever. Was is just funny? Or just sad? Or just scary? Probably not. The best movies make us laugh, cry, take notice, feel uncomfortable, feel safe – all of it. Life should be the same way. So how did I wake up today? This past week was really busy and extremely stressful – and today I was exhausted. I wanted to get up and workout, but I opted to sleep in knowing that was more important today. I am not punishing myself and I am keeping my plans to go with Joe to a gig in Massachusetts tonight – its fall in the Northeast and the drive will be gorgeous. I’ve packed my healthy snacks, bottled water and am bringing the TRX in case I can squeeze in a session tonight before the show. I feel grounded in the good way – you know, where you feet are on solid ground? Not the bad way, where I opt out on life and punish myself because my body isn’t perfect….yet. In the spirit of Day 1 of this project – I am still grateful I am strong.. Maybe not lean enough yet, but that’s a 12 KG kettlbell, a 50 lb sandbag and on the Skull Crusher it’s a 35 lb bar with 20 lbs of plates and 20 lbs of chains – and that’s pretty cool. Photos taken at Peak Performance where I am encouraged by all my friends there and inspired by how strong and awesome they all are – I am grateful for that too.