Day 22 – I’m Grateful For Learning To Chill The #$@% Out

November 22, 2010

So… 21 I made my resolution to my new goal public by putting it on my blog. How did today go? I actually had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in awhile, so that was good. First item on the new plan: fasting walking or fasting yoga. We decided Vinyasa yoga would be the best for my hip (it’s the most like the dynamic stretching that’s helped me thus far, still can’t hold a hamstring stretch without risking more tearing – no thanks!). I walked a few miles last night, so this morning: yoga it is. Since there’s so much yoga I can’t do right now, I wanted to be able to do it on my schedule and I’ve got lots of travel coming up, I thought a DVD would be best until January. Opened up the one I bought yesterday and couldn’t even figure out how to get it to play! No I’m not quite that dense, I have used a DVD before – but it has this weird menu where you actually pick different segments from a matrix of 12 minute sequences to create your own yoga session. Which is kinda cool, but I seriously couldn’t get the damn thing to work! After uttering a few profanities, I decided it was yoga after all – so I took a few deep breaths and calmed down. I figured it out and did 25 minutes of yoga. I felt better. Next up: a healthy breakfast. After a very busy week last week and being gone all weekend, nothing in the house. No time to make it all the way to Whole Foods, so I pop into the not so nice grocery store in our building – today, it will have to suffice. Grabbed pre-cut mushrooms, spinach and organic eggs. All is going well as I sauté up the veggies, then in go the eggs. They seem fine. One yolk looks a little darker than the other, but what does that even mean? Open my computer to read through some emails while breakfast cools. Take a big bite. Eggs have gone bad. Rotten. Disgusting. Sigh. Protein shake for breakfast. Ok, here’s where I typically lose it. “Nothing’s going right! I am so aggravated. Starting this whole thing today is a terrible idea…….Rant. Rant. Rant.” And here’s where Joe tries to tell me his famous line, “It’s never too late to start the day over.” When you live with someone so down to earth, losing your mind seems even more ridiculous. His sanity makes me feel even more crazy. It’s taken me a long time to hear his calming advice and not want to scream, hit something, hit him. But today I could see I’ve made a little progress. So far not much has worked in my favor, but I still feel good, optimistic even. Learning to chill the hell out has been a long, painful process for me – and I’m still lousy at it sometimes. I’ve created a life that’s stressful, busy and where a lot of people need my attention. I take on too much, time and time again. I spread myself too thin and then I crack up. But I can honestly say I’m getting better –hardly there yet, but better. Women ask so much of themselves. We have an unrealistic expectation to do it all – and do it perfect. We expect to rock in our career, have an awesome relationship with a great guy, maybe manage a family as well, have a smokin’ bod and be zen about the whole thing. Some days it feels like we’re on top of it, got it all in the bag. Then days like today happen where it feels like it’s about to spill out all over this perfect life we’ve got a white knuckle grip on. I still want the perfect life. I still try most days to do it all and do it well. But what I am trying to do more of is just let it fall apart if it’s gonna. I’ve found it’s easier to pick up the pieces than it is to hold on to them as they start to slip – me grasping for dear life to every detail. It feel apart this morning and instead of gripping tighter, I let go.  I took a deep breath, laughed, gagged a little at the egg incident, and decided to let it fall apart. So here it is 11am and I’ve picked up the pieces, got my act together, and in perfect Brooke fashion, tyring to do it all….until it falls apart again! At which time I’m simply going to chill the $#@% out. If I need help, I’ll ask Joe or listen to this song by Michael Franti:

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