Day 5: Part 1 – I Am Inspired To Feel Bad Today

December 5, 2010

Yesterdays post, this whole second phase actually has drudged up a lot of painful, yucky emotions for me. I’m feeling stuck, a little lost and sorta blue. My first reaction is of course, keep moving. If I don’t sit still these feelings can’t stick to me. I’m not a stuffer, but stuffing them back down into the deep recesses of my subconscious might work too.  Or (radical thought) I can just let them be here and deal with them. It’s time consuming and painful to have them around. I’ve had a hard time getting much else done and my creativity seems to be at a standstill these past couple days. And until this morning, I’ve been moving and moving trying to get away from the emotions I’ve drudged up. I’ve gone on a lot of long walks around the city, I’ve done more and more yoga, I’ve watched a movie, I’ve cleaned my inbox and I’ve done some Christmas shopping….but every time I sit still, there they are. It made me aware of how many times a day we try to alter our current uncomfortable state of being. Feeling down and tired? Have some caffeine. Feeling wound up and stressed? Have a glass of wine or a carby-fatty treat. Feeling angry and pent up? Get in an intense workout. This is necessarily a bad thing – it’s just the human condition to not want to feel like crap. But what if I sit here for a bit and just deal with these feelings? How will that affect my body comp goals and all these negative thoughts I have about this body I live in? These sabotaging thoughts have kept me in a perpetual cycle of needing to lose more weight to be happy and comfortable and it’s become clear to me that they aren’t going anywhere. Although I can tuck them away, they only go down one layer – they simmer just below the surface, waiting for an opportunity to sack my happiness. One of my coping skills is rationalizing. So my mom said something when I was little, I made it mean that I wasn’t good enough, I gathered evidence the rest of my life to support that story and I can re-write my story. Done. If only it were that easy. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that if I’m ever gonna truly transform these negative thoughts, I will have to actually feel these feelings – not just acknowledge I know where they come from – but feel them for more than a few minutes. Crap. Here I sit, fingers all pruned from wallowing in it for the past few days.  Here is sit with the feelings that I can’t truly be free from – regardless of how well I eat or how many reps I do – until I face each of them head on and make peace. I mean if the same thoughts that made me feel fat in high school are still with me at 35….it’s time to deal. So for the rest of the day I’m going to really feel all these negative feelings I typically run from. I’ll check back in a few hours. Wish me luck… ****

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