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Day 5: Part 2 – I Am Inspired To Feel Bad Today

December 5, 2010

Well that was fun (implied sarcastic tone), but I did it. I lit a candle, laid down on my bed and just let all the stuff I dismiss, all the stuff I hide from and all the stuff I’d love to forget wash over me.   I heard my mom wonder aloud, “Where’d you get that big, round butt from? Your dad or I sure don’t have that”. I heard my ex-husband tell me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore because I’d gained weight (The truth was I’d lost weight, but he was hiding a serious drug addiction and to throw me off his track he had to hit me where he knew I’d hurt.) I felt my heart sink as I found out a boyfriend had cheated on me and although he said nothing of the sort, I made it about me and not being good enough. And of course, I felt my eyes well up with tears as I remembered reading the review on Amazon.com. Then I cried. I cried for at least the second time since I started this project. I turned up all the nasty voices I’ve collected over the years, letting them fill my head and didn’t run from any of it. I didn’t feel angry at the voices, I’m assuming their callousness comes from them being just as hurt and wounded as I feel right now. These voices take up so much of my time, happiness and mental space. They are like a drill sergeant commanding me to avoid that carb or push harder on that next sprint. Proving them wrong has been my motivation thus far. These voices are not very nice. These voices are not inspiring. These voices can bugger off, I’m done doing it this way. I wiped my eyes, pulled myself up and sat down to write. Did I silence these voices forever? Probably not, but I did finally really listen to them. Turns out they are full of it. For the next 20 days I’m going to let them talk – and when they are done I’m going to tell them to shut the hell up cuz I’ve got some feeling good to do.  I mean, enough’s enough already.

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